Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I didn't notice because vodka
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
