Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
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I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.