does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.