I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe