The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest