I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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