chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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