just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
only you would photoshop your dick
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
