I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
