I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
