last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
