I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
