My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
