Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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