Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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