New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
