Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im holly from the hills drunk
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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