I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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