we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
