Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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