tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
