I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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