u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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