As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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