That's intense
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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