I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
