seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
