She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
