Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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