Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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