Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
