and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?