I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.