Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up