What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
