Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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