Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
