I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
