I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
