I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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