There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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