i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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