you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
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Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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