Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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