This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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