I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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