I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
two words...techno handjob
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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