He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
