I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
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You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
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Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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