Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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