I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
