Banned from zoo.
Again?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
