It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
