for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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