dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
