my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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