We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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