I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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