I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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