yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
