dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
