LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
