She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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